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Who do I want to be?

Around me all these people. All knowing what they want to be. But what about me? Who do i want to be?

Everyone is asking: "what are you doing after school?" and my answer always is...I dunno.

What am I doing wrong? Isn't there anything that is meant to be right for my future? Why does evreyones elses life seem so easy and mine. Is just full of crap.

Usually I shouldn't be complaining. I have wonderful frineds and a great famiy.  BUt somethung is missing. it's not the boyfriend everyone is talking about. it's more something deep in my heart. seems like there is a cut somewhere that just doesn't want to heal.But what can I do so that it will heal? What do I need in oorder to be the girl everyone is asking for?

Do i have to be thinner? Eat less? Have better grades? earn more money? spend it more wisly? or what is it that is wrong. May I be the one that has to just look ahead and just do what i want to do in the moment?

Everythiung is so confusing. I can't go home cause i always have to be afraid of seeing him again. Just cause he still gets along with my mom. But what I am thinking of it no one is asking for. I feel uncomfortable knowing that he is still around. I broke up with him. Why can't he stop bragging me to come back. It bothers me and holds me back from being  a fulltime happy person.

And then there is this other guy. 31 years old. one of my friends.does the same sport as me in the same club. so the kiss was wrong but it felt so good. it felt right to be with him. I wish i didn't have to leave that night. just hold is hand and never let it go. But it won't work out. Society will get in between us. It wouldn't be right. but i've waited for that moemnt half a year and then it was finally there and at the same time gone in a sec. Why can't he be thinking the same way. Maybe he might but I will never get to know cause it was right to tell him that we'll stay friends and nothing will change. But maybe something changed a long time ago. He liked the night too. so we might as well just have a secret thing going on? Or is that childish? 

Everything is so confusing. I have to figure so many things out.

Good night!

29.4.14 23:08, kommentieren

This feeling

Today I for the first time thought: Wow what is that? You were sitting next to me. Smelling the way you usually do. But something was different. We talked as usual. Laughed as usual. But looking into your pretty brown eyes was warming me up from the inside. There was a kind of prickle in my tummy. But what is that?

We have been friends quite long. You let me sit on your lap like it was the most normal thing in the world. We would drink together and keep an eye on each other. Nothing ever happened! But now... You touched me more often than usual. Your hand on my shoulder. your hand on my eg. your head on mine. our foreheads leaning against each others. you talking to me. It was new. Something special? Me listening to your music. Usually not a big deal but today my heart made a skip. Your secret looks at me. I noticed s´´them. No one else did but me. Strange I thought. It has never been that way before. But does that even mean something? You were there for me when I was at my worse and now...we are hanging out tomorrow..Might be an awesome day. But hopefully it won't be awkward.

On tghe other hand this can all not be right. I saw the guy from Saturday coming out of his garage this morning when driving to school. I smiled. I was happy to know him and all the sudden I thought back to saturday night. Something great had happened between us. We moved up to a whole new level. What kind of level I don't know. I just know that we agreed on staying friends. Nothing will change. We will stay friends... Talk like we used to. And the others will whisper as always. But now I'll think: If you would know what happened between us.

oh and then there is my ex..Talking to my mom when he can be there to drink a cup of coffee. And I have to be gone. I'd like to punch him in the face! This is my family! Not his and I don't care how broken his family is. We're done. so why can't he just be a nice guy who I once loved and that will stay in my memory but not appear at MY house all the time!


30.4.14 15:25, kommentieren